• Pretty Mess Blog

VAN Diesel.

Updated: Jan 3, 2019


Yup, that is the name given to my my minivan by my ten year old son.

VAN, certainly was not given this name, because minivans exude undeniable swagger, but more for how fast and furious I drive it! There was a time when I thought only dorky moms drove minivans. You see, I use to be one of the those status seeking obnoxious SUV driving moms. So, I feel like I can tell you with confidence that I am not a dorky mom, I am now a practical and savvy mom which makes me an even cooler mom!

When a mom utters the words… “I’ll never” … a little spiritual influence named Karma sits up and takes notice. Karma is all-seeing and programmed to hear every single “I never” that flies out of your kisser. It becomes her mission in life to bite you in the butt and make you eat your words. Utter the word “never” one time and it’s on like Donkey Kong.

Once upon a time, there was a mom who said “I’ll never drive a minivan.” That was me, of course. I am still new to the van-o-sphere, so when I step outside to grab the amazon prime packages in my super-sexy flannel PJ bottoms and see the people mover in my driveway, I still wonder “who’s here?” And then I remember…it’s me.

When I succumbed to the idea of being a minivan mom, I felt a little defeated. One day the minivan, the next day the terrible polyester print muumuus and hair curlers hidden under a scarf. But, here are some reasons why I am enjoying my minivan like a boss and none of them include wearing a muumuu (only a more modern version chic kimono when a fast dash is needed!) Some of these reasons might be only in my own mind, but don’t burst my bubble, okay? I’m totally okay with a side of delusion with my morning soy chai latte.

1} : Increased distance between me and my small humans.

This is an eardrum saver and totally safer for everyone involved. The long distance cries of “he’s touching me” can only be heard off in the distance, as well as, youtube kids and chatter between friends. My next vehicle may be a double tractor trailer. Total bonus is the dual controls on the sound system. I get to control all the glorious speakers that drum out the extra “buzz” on the go.

2} : Cup holders. Lots and lots of supersized cup holders.

Loads of water bottles, Starbucks cups, socks, phones, candy…the entire contents of a first aid kit, you name it, it’s in there somewhere. I’m never in the position of having to search for a place to put my beverage. I’m at the point in my life where I have to triple check that my shoes match, so not having to think about where to stash my drink is a plus.

3} : When guys check me out while I’m stopped at a traffic light, I know they’re really looking at me and not my hot car. HAHA, kidding!!

Shut up and drink the Kool-Aide with me. This is totally true, as all badass minivan moms will tell you.

4} : When the van is rockin’ don’t come knockin’. No, no, I totally mean at the Drive-in with the kids.

All of the seats go down and you could totally add a blowup mattress…for the kids to lay on and watch the movie! I suppose you could also make it an …ahem… “lovemobile” if you wanted to! Wink Wink! No, we have not christened our van, but the opportunity could arise in the future! Never say never, remember!!

5} : Instant Party Bus!

Daytime people mover turns into a nighttime party bus! Designated driver be ready! Who says you can only haul around littles? Grownups fit just fine too! Girls night out, anyone?

6} : This van has giddy-up! 0-60 MPH is the new minivan.

I often pretend it’s a street car! VAN can totally kick your “F-whatever 50’s” ass in terms of zero to sixty. Seriously, the stereotype of the minivan driving super slow with a mattress as a hat is total crap. Most of the newer vans on the market have a surprising amount of giddy up, which is a nice feature for any reluctant husbands who may be suffering from the delusion they should be driving a sexier car. Puh-leeze.

7} : Everyone can go! There is room for everyone!

We have an increasing family in terms of new additions (one’s we created and one’s friends created too that come along.) The main reason we bought a minivan in the first place was to fit all of our kids and their assorted stuff and groceries and all of my high maintenance gear in one vehicle. It really puts a damper on family trips to start out with rock, paper, scissors to see who has to stay behind. I would just hate to see that kid standing in the driveway crying when the rest of us are loaded up to go to the beach.

8} : Buttons. Lots of glorious buttons. Buttons are amazing.

I can sit behind the wheel and pretend I’m in the NASA control room (don’t laugh, you probably do it, too.) I can push a button to open and close the back hatch, adjust my seats, the volume in the way back. Sometimes, I just sit in my driveway and push buttons. Seriously, people. Buttons are badass.

9} : The MILF life:

When I look halfway decent while driving my van, it tends to make me look way better in comparison (like this mom has it all together!)

9. Farewell my coolness – and I’m okay with that.

While I’ve spouted off several reasons why a minivan is pretty freakin’ awesome, driving the seven passenger people mover about town does take off a little bit of pressure to be super cool and hip 24/7. Besides, when I look halfway decent while driving my van, it tends to make me look way better in comparison. If my clothes match and I’m wearing eyeliner while I’m loading up that toilet paper from Aldi’s someone is likely to think I’m a MILF. And, who doesn’t love that?

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